Confessions of a Wanton Student

Single

2010-02-16T10:30:00.002Z

We broke up. I think it was inevitable to be honest. I obviously wasn't fully involved like I should have been and after he found out about the Boss the (ex) Boyfriend couldn't forgive me. We broke up two weeks ago and I think that is the last that you or I are going to hear about him. It was a very amicable break up and we haven't been in contact since. We had nothing in common so I am unlikely to bump into him anywhere and I am definitely not interested in getting back with him. So now, this blog, is about the newly single me enjoying the last few months of uni as a single girl. Much more exciting, I'm sure you will agree.

Since the break up I have already been sampling whats out there. What better way to get over someone?! And lucky me, a few interested guys have come out of the woodwork since I became single. Making me feel very popular, confident and very excited. In just the two weeks since I became single I have slept with two people. The first, Lines, is the good friend of a friend I live with who is always great fun and who I knew liked me. We had one fun night together which ended up with us fucking in a car outside my halls. I wish I could remember more of it but luckily he is coming up at the beginning of March and has been texting me telling me how excited he is to see me again. Without a doubt I will get the chance to sleep with him and remember it this time.

I have also slept with some one I live with, Scrum has a gorgeous muscley rugby body and is going far as a rugby player. He lives in my block so I didn't want anything to happen in case it made things awkward. I soon changed my mind though and we slept together after a drunken night out on Friday. I though that was the end of it but last night we watched a film together with some of the guys and afterwards they all left and I stayed, one thing led to another, you know how it works.

So, life is good. I am having loads of fun. And I will keep you updated with my new and interesting life.

Name Change

2009-12-21T21:39:00.002Z

I am wondering about changing the title of this blog because this isn't who I am anymore. The problem is, Confessions of a Faithful Girlfriend is not very intriguing.

Any ideas?

2009-12-21T01:12:00.003Z

I have begun this post so many times over the past month but every time I have deleted it again and forgotten about it. For me, this blog represents a lot about me that I don't like and am trying to put behind me. I toyed with the idea of deleting it but have decided to keep writing instead, although I hate what I have done I can't erase my past so I am going to update you all instead.

The Boyfriend and I are still together and things are getting better. Although we aren't seeing much of each other because of all the uni work I have to do and him having a new job we are managing okay. There have been lots of arguments but I think things will work themselves out.

As for the Boss, I haven't even spoken to him since the day it all came out, which is nearly two months now. Luckily (for me) he was fired just after so I didn't have to leave my job which I would have had to otherwise, I told him not to text me any more, deleted his number, and deleted him as a friend on Facebook. I haven't seen him since we kissed. It is brilliant, sometimes I miss how things used to be. I don't go to the places I used to go out drinking, in fact I have only been drunk once since too. But my relationship is much stronger now I am no longer thinking about him.

So even though I regret all the pain that has been caused and constantly wish I could go back to how things used to be with the Boyfriend, I know that if we can get through this everything will be so much better.

Help Wanted

2009-11-10T02:32:00.003Z

I'm sorry that I haven't written for so long. I could blame it on coming back to uni, having lots of work to do and spending too much time getting drunk. But the real reason is because this blog had made me see myself through the eyes of someone else and I didn't like it. I saw a selfish little girl who wanted the best of all the worlds and expected never to get caught. Yet still I didn't stop. Last week I kissed the Boss again and this time my world fell apart. His girlfriend told the Boyfriend. And now I need your help. He knows everything, all about the Boss, the Footballer and Stigg. Yet amazingly he hasn't ended things. In the past week since he found out I have seen him also every night, I have picked him up at 5am from work, stayed the night with him. We have had sex three times and a nice family dinner with his Mum and sister.

but the conversation is stilted, he doesn't touch me at all and we haven't kissed in a week. He told me he still loves me and I have realised exactly how much he means to me. I will do anything to sort things out. Already I have cut myself off completely from the Boss, deleted his number, told him never to text me again and deleted him as a friend on Facebook (he is in the process of being fired too so I won't even have to see him in work). I am trying to fin a new job anyway, I have stopped going out and I am doing everything the Boyfriend asks.

The problem is he says although I keep telling him that I love him that I don't act that way. I go to his house, get in bed and hardly talk. I didn't know what he wanted from me but it turns out he does want affection. I just don't know how to give it without looking like it is forced or seeming to act normal an as if everything is all behind us when it so clearly isn't.

How do I show him how serious I am about this? Please help me!

Love: My Uni

2009-09-21T15:34:00.002+01:00

I'm going back to uni this weekend and I am seriously excited. After living at home last year while all my friends lived together in houses I can't wait to get right back into the heart of things. My uni is a campus uni and everything is all squished together in the countryside surrounded by fields and woods. I always thought I wanted to go to a uni in the middle of a big city and my first choice was The University of Liverpool but I decided that I might not get the grades I needed to get my place and so put my current uni down as my first choice instead. It turns out I did get the right results but I definitely chose the right uni for me. I love the fact that when I go to my Student Union with my group of friends between us we will know almost everybody there. That I could go up to anybody at anytime on campus and get a friendly response. I love that we have traditions such as the 'Rave in the Woods' and the party at House 69 that have been held for years and will continue to be held long after I leave. I love that from my room at uni this year I will be able to see my lecture halls, the Student Union and the football fields. I love that we have 13bars on campus that are all non-profit organisations and so give us the cheapest drinks and the best entertainment. And most of all, I love that I have met the best of friends there and that we are all going to be living together this year like one big happy family.

The Big O

2009-09-13T21:46:00.002+01:00

I had been having sexual relationships for a long time before I had my first orgasm. I touched my first penis at 13 and the favour was soon returned. It was in a tent in a garden at a party full of my friends and his who all knew exactly what was going on inside our tent. Although I have only slept with 5 and a half people (I know its cheating but I just can't bring myself to count The Footballer in my 'magic number').

I can remember rubbing a large variety of different objects against myself when I was very young (pencils, hairbands and teddies anyone?!) because it felt good. But I was far too young to understand why. When I did understand a bit more I spent some time feeling disgusted with myself and like I was doing something very wrong, although I didn't stop. But after all these MANY years of masturbating I still hadn't experienced my first orgasm until about a year ago.

I never realised how much I was missing.

Since I have learnt how to make myself orgasm I have managed to steer the Boyfriend in that direction too. I pains me to admit that I used to fake it ALL the time with him, but when we first got together I was only 17 and naive and he was 21 and way more experienced than me (although definitely not as experienced as he had me believe). Although I never have orgasms from penetration alone that doesn't matter to me in the slightest.

Incidentally, the Boss has never given me an orgasm. In fact the sex is not as good as it is with the Boyfriend. But it makes no difference.

Failed

2009-09-08T20:44:00.003+01:00

So when I said last week that after finding out what the Boyfriend did I was never going to cheat again I really did mean it. But I didn't expect to have an opportunity for a fantastic night with the Boss.

My parents away away at the moment which mean free house and on Saturday I had The Boss and 2 other guys over for some drinks for something to do. The Boss was actually the first person I spoke to about the Boyfriends cheating and when I told him I was never cheating again he told me there was no way I would manage it. As soon as I invited him over on Saturday he said
"This is my chance to prove you haven't stopped cheating" and that with a bit of Southern Comfort down me he knew I would fail. He even bought the bottle for us to share. The whole night was full of funny and interesting banter and I was really enjoying myself. Eventually it ended up just the two of us, very drunk on Southern Comfort having a fumble in my bed.

But that wasn't the best part, when we woke up the next day with massive headaches and morning breath we stayed in bed for hours. At first we were just having a laugh and moaning about our hangovers, he kept laughing at me saying I failed.

"Failed, failed, failed failed" then he kissed me, "failed". Then he kissed me some more. We spent the next two hours just kissing and cuddling and holding hands. He kept kissing me on the cheek, the forehead, and affectionately biting my nose then kissing it. It was brilliant. And so totally confusing.

But then last night we all went out and he pretty much ignored me all night. Apart from telling me not to make him jealous when I was chatting with Stigg and having a go at me when I was getting my other Boss to buy me drinks.

As is always the way after the initial couple of days of feeling great and constantly reliving the moment now I feel like crap. Not guilty though.

Flowers

2009-09-03T22:11:00.003+01:00

There is something about flowers that always makes me feel good. One of the guys at work bought me some today to make me feel better after I had spent all Tuesday crying on his shoulder about The Boyfriend's cheating. It made my day so much better, because he thought of me and made an effort to cheer me up. So sweet.

Things are getting a little better with The Boyfriend, I only think about it about 50% of the time now. Although it obviously still hurts like crazy. We had sex this morning, I needed to do it before I obsessed about it so much that I just couldn't sleep with him anymore. Also, I had to make me the last person he fucked, not her.

My heads going crazy but when I'm with him it al hurts less. So off to him I go.

Cheat

2009-09-02T16:01:00.003+01:00

He cheated on me.

The Boyfriend went to Leeds festival this weekend with his best friend Holly and slept with her. I found out the day he got back because I accidentally read a message on his computer.

It killed me. I never realised how devastated I would be.

We are slowly sorting it out but I can't stop thinking about it. It is literally all that is running through my mind all day and night. Weirdly I actually feel best when I am around him.

I don't know whats going to happen next, she is his best friend but how can I be happy with him seeing her any more?

The one thing I do know is that I am never ever EVER going to cheat again, I never knew before how it feels but this pain makes me sure that I won't do it any more. You might be wondering if I used this chance to tell him about the Boss, but I just couldn't do it that would definitely mean the end of us. Instead I am just going to work on our relationship with him and keep well away from any temptations.

More drunk texts

2009-08-25T21:20:00.003+01:00

I text the Boss again the other night. I was very drunk, he was sober. I told him that I really like him and that I hate it when he tells me that he is jealous of me and Stigg. He said that its because he is jealous but why did I hate it. So I said "Because I want you not him" to which he replied

"You shouldn't just settle with Stigg you know"

In my very drunken state I replied with something ridiculous but reading over the texts the next day I realised that he could have meant something much more, does he want me?
He was completely sober, so it wasn't a drunk thing for him. He spent all of the next day at work teasing me but it was the playful banter that I love between us.

He is having lots of problems with Claire at the moment, separate bedrooms. So maybe he just wanted some attention. And even if he did like me its not like I could or would do anything about it. Nothing has happened between us in ages, I just miss that buzz. Getting with him isn't like getting with anyone else. Its far more exciting.

I don't know what to think.

That Girl

2009-08-21T13:00:00.004+01:00

I have just finished reading 'Frenemies' by Megan Crane, my mum picked it up from the library for me as a bit of light reading for a break from researching my dissertation. I turned out to be utterly brilliant, I started reading it late last night and have just finished it at 1.02 pm, I didn't even stop for breakfast. The protagonist Gus, a 29 year old living in Boston, reminded me of myself in a way no other character ever has before.
There was one part of the novel that really got me thinking, Gus had many issues with a long standing friend who steals her boyfriend. This friend is That Girl, I'm sure every girl knows who that is, the one girl who we think is amazing, who is nothing like we are but everything we want to be. I have had several That Girls in my life who I have had major girl crushes on. I will spend ages looking at their pictures on Facebook and wishing I had their figure, their ability to get the guys I wish I could get and even in extreme moments thinking about taking up smoking so that I can look as 'cool' as they do.
In 'Frenemies' it turns out that That Girl thinks that Gus is in fact also That Girl, so what if those girls in my life feel that way about me? Or, because I'm sure they hardly even know I exist maybe other girls want to be like me. I'm sure nobody wants to look like me, although I think I can look quite pretty and my figure is quite curvy (read: wobbly) there are lots of people who are much more gorgeous then me. The Boss once told me that I am ugly, but have a great personality and that that makes me ok. I know he doesn't think that I am ugly, not only because he has slept with me several times but because he has told my friends that I'm hot. But I actually agree with him about the great personality, its not that often that I get lots of attention from guys when I am out, but I have had and still have quite a few friends who have crushes on me. At the moment there is Stigg and a friend from school who is getting quite full on. The point is, the book made me look at myself a realise that I don't need to diet and wear tiny skirts to be happy, I am happy in who I am and because of that other people see my confidence and I become more attractive to them.
I ma sure that just by being who I am I am already somebodies That Girl and who knows, maybe its somebody that I already have a girl crush.

How I Got This Bruise..

2009-08-20T15:33:00.002+01:00

As he drove me home after a great night out I stroked his leg idly like I often do in the car. After a while my hand started to wander further up the inside of his thigh until I could feel that he was already hard for me, I started gently stroking without saying a word or even looking at him. He made no sign that anything was happening until he suddenly swung the car off the road into a deserted country lane and turned off the engine. We were immediately all over each other, kissing passionately and grabbing at each others clothes. Pulling his trousers off I bent over with my naked ass against the window to suck hungrily on his cock until I couldn't wait any longer. Reclining his chair as far as it would go I straddled him and fucked him hard. Then he got out of the car and turned me around so I was kneeling on the drivers seat as he stood naked outside the car and took me from behind, not even stopping when another car drove past bathing us in the light of its headlights. Afterwards as we drove home both still half naked he used one hand to drive and the other to make me orgasm time and time again until we finally pulled up to his house where he took me upstairs gave me one last orgasm with his amazing tongue.

At some point during this event I got a large bruise on my right knee, when I touch it I can feel not just a throbbing pain but also the excitement and pleasure of one of the best sex sessions I have ever had. He is going away this weekend but I will be able to relive our night just with a small amount of pressure on my right knee... and maybe a little more on my clit.

HNT???

2009-08-13T15:19:00.002+01:00

I am wondering about doing a HNT soon...

I have been looking at as many different ones as I can and trying to decide if I'm really going to do it and I think I will give it a try.
The only pictures I have taken of myself before have been for people I was fucking and completely trusted. Therefore probably a little too neked for what I want. I am going to buy some new underwear tomorrow and see what I can do... I might even ask The Boyfriend to take the pictures (without actually telling him why of course!) to make it a little more fun...

Coming or Going?

2009-08-13T14:09:00.004+01:00

"I never know where I am with you, whether I am coming or going.."

What the hell does this message mean? I received it from the boss yesterday after some messages just about work. In the messages before this he asked me if I was being an ass and my reply was
"No, would I ever?!"
Meant as a joke and to lighten the conversation a bit because I had been a bit annoyed at him. It was a few hours later when I received this, just when I was falling asleep. I didn't reply because I didn't know how too.

National Friendship Day

2009-08-01T23:48:00.002+01:00

Its National Friendship day tomorrow which is making me think a lot about my friends. I love them all to pieces and I am good friends with them all, but I haven't got one best friend who I tell everything to do. Someone who will always be there for me, who would drop everything to bring me ice cream if I was upset, who would never judge me for my mistakes, who I would miss if I didn't see her every single day and who I would talk on the phone too every spare second I had.
I had that once at school but she became part of the 'popular' crowd of bitches and turned on me. She was my bestest friend for 3 years and suddenly she didn't want to know anymore. She took lots of my other friends with her and I was left devastated. I lot of my other friend who I was never as close to really rallied round and I finished school very happy with some great friends. But since going to uni we have all drifted apart.
Now I have my uni friends, who are all amazing but none of them are the best friend I want. Then there are my work friends, but the turnover is so big because when people leave we usually don't really see each other any more.
I'm scared I am getting too old now to make that kind of friend, my mum met her best friend on their first day at primary school age 5, and they have been best friends ever since. What if I never have that someone to grow up with, who will know every secret I ever had and love me anyway.

Presents for Claire

2009-08-01T00:59:00.006+01:00

Just been at The Boss's house having a Wii night with Claire and Josh a mutual friend. Its Claire's birthday on Monday and when we left he started to tell us all about what he had bought her in Ann Summers, such as kinky underwear and a vibrator.

It was the first time I have been jealous of her. Their relationship isn't great and as long as I've known her she has been a bit frigid. I know for a fact their sex life isn't very good at all. And I have never wanted to be his girlfriend, my boyfriend is a much better boyfriend than he is. All we have ever been and all I want from him is brilliant, exciting sex. for ages Claire wouldn't even get knacked in front of The Boss and I know she has never given him a blowjob. So whenever we got together I made sure I was confident about myself even though she is loads hotter than me. And that I gave him mind blowing head.

It sucks that now all I can think about is her wearing her sexy underwear for him and them playing with the vibrator together. I wish the gym was open at this time in the morning, I could have an amazing work out right now trying to get rid of these thoughts. I wish the Boyfriend was here, because when I have him the Boss barely enters my thoughts and I miss him.

Stigg and I

2009-07-31T18:57:00.002+01:00

I need to stop texting Stigg. Not only is my bill going to be huge but it is still a form of cheating. I am deleting all my texts before I go to the Boyfriends which defintley means I'm not comfortable with what is being said.
But it is still exciting and he is very sweet which makes me feel good. Its always nice to have people wanting you. Plus, I found out he is being a bit of a player and 'texting' a few girls, which makes me feel better about it. I'm cool with that, I have a boyf and I simply just don't care. Although I do get the feeling that he is expecting a little more. Last week he kept putting his hand down my top as i stood at the bar and last night he told me that he couldn't wait for this weeks night out because it is going to be a "brilliant night and hopefully a brilliant end to the night too" when I asked him why he just said because I will be there... Hopefully it is just what he says to all the girls though, he knows I have a boyfriend so he shouldn't expect anything much.

Work with the Boss on wednesday after tuesday nights texts was actually fun. The great thing about him is that I can talk to him so freely about stuff, so when he started bringing it up I didn't have to run away embarrassed but could have a joke with him about it. Which made me feel much more comfortable about the whole situation. And also made me like him more, damn it.

The reason drunk people should not have phones.. part2

2009-07-29T16:46:00.003+01:00

The Boss text me today for no reason other than to chat. He hasn't done that in ages, we only usually text if we have something particular to say. I can't help but wonder if he is just texting me cos he likes knowing I like him.

The reason drunk people should not have phones..

2009-07-29T11:20:00.004+01:00

I told the Boss I like him last night, something I am very embarrassed about today!
He knows I used to like him, I used to get drunk and tell him all the time but I haven't said anything for ages. And what with me turning him down three times (!) he really thought I was over it.
The worst part is that I had a great night out with his girlfriend & when I hadn't got my key to go home they said I could stay on the sofa. I didn't want to, its a bit weird knowing that she knows I have slept with him and just being with the two of them, but I had no other choice! Anyway in the end they had a massive row (nothing new there, it happens every time they go out together) and I ended up sleeping with his girlfriend (who I am as of now going to call Claire because she is popping up more and I think she need a name) in their bed while he slept on the sofa. I was wasted and couldn't help but text him to tell him that I hate liking him so much and that I have done for too long now. Could it have been any worse?! I basically told him that I have liked him since I first started liking him well over a year ago.

When I woke up this morning with a massive hangover he had already gone to work so I didn't have to see him straight away. I text him apologising but instead of doing the decent thing and saying something along the lines of 'It's OK I know you were really drunk and didn't mean it' he said he hadn't realised I still felt like that. Damn. So I had to be the one to say I was really drunk and didn't mean it... and it doesn't sound as good coming from me!

In other news it turns out Stigg has got quite a big crush on me which makes me feel very bad about getting with him. He is texting me all the time and even thought he knows I have a boyfriend he is getting quite full on. Luckily having a boyfriend makes it easier to escape from the situation without hurting him.

Travelling

2009-07-24T18:01:00.003+01:00

I'm getting a bit restless now with this rainy summer we are having. It seems like I do nothing but work, see the Boyfriend and have the occasional night out which is fun but always the same. I need some more excitement before I go back to Uni because otherwise these next two months until I get to move back in with my friends are really gonna drag!

What I want more than anything is to get away for a while, ideally to go travelling for a month and just really enjoy myself. Some of my friends went to Italy for two weeks with just a backpack and a guide to travel the country. Only one of them came back, the other two have managed to find bar work and are staying for the rest of the summer. I'm green with envy and would love to be able to do something like that. Unfortunately it would be impossible what with my job and the Boyfriend to be able to actually do it. However, I have decided that as soon as I have finished my degree next May I am definitely going to travel somewhere. I hope I will be able to get someone to come with me, but if I can't I promise myself I will go by myself. It will be the perfect way to spend a couple of months before I start my Masters degree. Just the thought of it cheers me up, I know if I start to plan it I will work much harder in my final year and hopefully have some good grades to celebrate.

What I did with Stigg

2009-07-17T22:59:00.004+01:00

I did something a bit stupid last night. I had a small gathering of people at mine because my parents are away and nobody can afford to go out right now. We got lots of Southern Comfort and Vodka and played ring of fire and the Family Guy drinking game (check it out on Facebook, its very funny but makes it impossible to stay sober) and I ended up very drunk. It was just me and the guys cos the girly friends have either gone home for summer or away. Anyway, after a long long night I ended up in bed with Stigg.

I didn't sleep with him, I'm not sure if there was a possibility I would have but once the got his hands down my pants I knew I had to get rid of him. He is a little younger than me but I had no idea that would mean he would be so terrible! I tried so hard to guide him and show him what I wanted but he was intent on pumping his fingers inside me as hard and fast as he could for as long as possible. I didn't want to just tell him to get lost so I gave him head for a while then told him he had to go down stairs. I do have to admit that I really put a lot of effort into sucking his cock, it's something I know I am good at and I really went to town hoping to do some things to him that he had never had done to him before.

Afterwards I felt so guilty I cried myself to sleep but speaking to a friend at work who is in his thirties and good friends with my boyfriend he said something that made me feel a little better. He said he could tell how much I loved the Boyfriend but when you are in a long term relationship while you are young and at uni there will always be temptation and that you would have to be a saint to resist every time. I know for a fact that the Boyfriend has cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship a fair bit and I figure that as long as we are both happy and secure together I shouldn't stress too much. I don't want to cheat (except maybe with The Boss) but at the end of the day my relationship is one of the best I know of, we are so happy together and have such a great life that stressing about a drunken mistake is slightly ridiculous. I don't want to do it again, that's for sure, but I am not going to worry about my past anymore. I'm just going to enjoy the now.

The Third No

2009-07-12T22:36:00.003+01:00

The Boss tried it on again last night.

I'm starting to see a pattern, nowadays he only ever tries something if he thinks I might be getting with someone else.

I said no. Third time.

I feel good but also a little scared he might stop trying. Then what would I do?

My 'friend' Stu

2009-06-26T14:41:00.004+01:00

On Saturday night I went to the local club, which is by any ones standards a bit of a dive but as its the only one in town everyone goes there. This means that even though it's an overpriced, disgusting, hot, smelly excuse for a club there is usually a lot of people there that I know which can make it one of the best places for a night out, especially over the holidays when everyone is back from uni. This Saturday I was out with The Boss, his girlfriend and another friend and wasn't having the best night until I bumped into some guys that I went to school with. We were all quite close in school but have drifted over the years so that I hadn't spoken to any of them in at least a year, one of these guys was Stu and meeting him brought back some memories I have to share.

When we were in school Stu had a major crush on me, he was possibly even in love with me. This lasted for over two years and the whole time we were very close friends and spent a lot of time together. Many times over these years I kissed him and eventually we started going further, just after we left school I slept with him. It only happened on the one day although several times. Before this Stu had been a virgin (he was my second). I was never physically attracted to Stu and don't really know why I did what I did but it has got to be one of the most selfish things I have ever done. Instead of letting him move on with his life I kept stringing him along, all the while also getting with other guys including some of is friends.

He later fell for one of my friends and they were together for over two years, they have recently split up though and after Saturday night he has been texting me quite often and was trying to get me to go round to stay at his on Monday night. Obviously I told him no, I have a boyfriend and truth be told, even know when he is actually quite hot I'm still not in the slightest bit attracted to him. But I want to try and make up for how horrible I was to him in some way.

I am actually tempted to just delete this and not post it, because more than the cheating and the lying it makes me feel like such a bitch. But I will, because the point of this blog is to tell the truth about myself and to delete this now would be to lie.

His Crazy Girlfriend

2009-06-17T18:30:00.003+01:00

It turns out the Boss's girlfriend, although one of my close friends (as much as I can call her that) is completely mental. I mean totally crazy!

On Monday night she was understandably annoyed that we had gone out without inviting her, which was the Boss's idea not mine. While arguing with him over text she revealed that ages ago, maybe as much as 3 or 4 months back, she had read messages on his phone between the two of us which made it obvious that we had slept together again. She kept it quite for all this time and was completely normal with both of us. Even talking to me about any troubles they wee having and her fears about our other friend he has been with. After it came out she knew she text me asking about it but after just a couple of texts she told me she just wanted to forget about it and things to go back to normal! Then later she asked me to go to the cinema with her tonight, even offering to pay when I said I have no money!

That's not normal behaviour, right? She must be the most insecure and possibly lonely person I've ever met. I feel unbelievably sorry for her and its definitely made me even more completely against getting with the Boss as I was the the last post. I have no idea how to react around her now, I'm spending the night home alone rather than go to the cinema with her because however normal she has been with me since she found out I really can't. I know that this is the perfect scenario for me really and I also know her well enough to know its for real and not some elaborate plan to get me back. But I also know she will always hate me a little bit, as she should, so I don't think I can possibly continue our friendship as before. I am totally disgusted at myself for upsetting her so much and hopefully this blog will now be a Boss free zone...

I Hate Him.

2009-06-16T11:27:00.002+01:00

Night out last night with just The Boss and a mutual male friend and I have to be honest, I was pretty much expecting something to happen the second we decided to go out after a horrible night at work. He was being really flirty the whole night and had had an argument with his girlfriend which meant he didn't give a shit. But nothing did happen. instead, he spent half the night kissing a random girl he pulled in front of me while our other mate had disappeared, leaving me on my own which really pissed me off and I have to admit upset me a little. But the real kick in the teeth was when we left the club he text me saying:

'Sex?'

That was it.

No come on in any way, no more flirting. Literally he left one girl whose number he had taken and who he was texting and asked me in just one word to fuck him. Obviously the answer was no. I told him to fuck off. I have never been so pissed off in all my life. He rang me this morning and was laughing about it, telling me I was just jealous. Why doesn't he understand it has nothing to do with that and more to do with feeling used and like a piece of meat just there for when he can't find someone else. I really hate him.

A Party with The Boss

2009-06-12T19:31:00.006+01:00

So the whole keeping away from The Boss thing may have been slightly ruined I'm not really sure how I came out of it to be honest. Maybe I will understand more when I've written the story down.

My friend from work, Irish, had a spur of the moment party in her halls because most people from there have now gone home. The Boss was there but that didn't really mean anything at first. It used to be that if The Boss and I were going to be drinking together and his girlfriend wouldn't be there I would expect something to happen, but I've stopped thinking like that recently. There was lots of vodka and drinking games and we were having a great time. Then The Boss mistakenly thought he saw me kiss another friend, Stigg and I overheard him telling him that seen as he had kissed me, which his girlfriend would dump him for, he may as well fuck me too and be dumped for really doing something. I was a bit indignant at that! For one I hadn't even kissed him and for another who is The Boss to talk someone into sleeping with me when I didn't even want to! Then I overheard Stigg, who I have got with in the past and who always tries something on when he is drunk telling The Boss that he doesn't want to cheat but that its always me, to which the Boss replied that he knew exactly what he meant and that there's 'something about me', I also heard him say that I was definitely worth the risk. I just don't get it! I'm not sure how to take the comments or why he was telling someone to sleep with me.

Later when we were all crammed into Irish's room trying to sleep Stigg curled up next to me and kept trying it on, The Boss was making jokes about us and I was getting pretty annoyed. So I text him telling him he was a twat. His reply was that he was just trying to hide his jealousy and so I told him there was nothing to be jealous of, his reply was a shock,

"All I want to do right now is take you away somewhere and fuck you, whether there is something to be jealous of or not"

It was so hard to resist him after that, but miraculously I did! He knew I wanted to go along with his suggestion we slyly leave but I told him we would both regret it too much the next day. Its the first time I've resisted him, maybe because we were both pretty much sober or because I am actually managing to restrain myself now. Which ever I feel pretty good today both because I resisted and because I feel pretty hot as well when two guys are after me like that. I'm not sure how long I can actually resist The Boss for though, I'm going to need to spend more time with the Boyfriend and less with The Boss to make sure I don't go back to the messy life I had before, however much I want to right now.

Holidays

2009-06-09T18:30:00.002+01:00

I'm going on holiday in three weeks but it's not as exciting as it sounds. I am going to Germany and Belgium with my parents and sister. It's not as bad as most people think though, I get on really well with my parents and am very close to my sister so we will all easily spend two weeks together and should have lots of fun. Also, as a history student I am actually going to enjoy being in Belgium and visiting all the WW1 sites. But I would really love to go on a proper holiday this year! I have never been away with a group of friends to another country and more than anything I want to take some friends and go to Spain, or Greece or somewhere similar so we can spend our days on the beach and our nights getting tipsy and dancing. Unfortunately no one can afford to go with me so I'm stuck with Belgium with the parents and spending the rest of my summer in England.
Here's hoping for a sunny English summer!

About being a good girlfriend..

2009-06-07T22:57:00.003+01:00

I haven't had much to write recently because I'm being good for once and it feels brilliant! I wonder why I have ever cheated when I have such a wonderful boyfriend who loves me more than I could ever have wished for. It is so not worth it, ever. The only downside to this is that I might not have that much to blog about, and I'm wondering if this will become less about sex and more about me in general. I would rather that then to stop all together now though.

So anyway, hopefully my lovely life will be exciting enough for me to keep on writing. If it isn't I will just have to delve into my promiscuous past to bring you some stories.

Threesome's

2009-05-24T21:16:00.002+01:00

For the first time in our three year long relationship the Boyfriend and I talked about our fantasies. It shows how close we have become that he asked me this because I had been thinking just before he mentioned it that I was going to ask him. This meant that when he did I had a nice answer and I'm really hoping that some time soon he is going to surprise me with some ropes and chains.

His answer was only to be expected I suppose. His ultimate fantasy is a threesome. Now why am I not surprised! I don't know what to make of this. We have been together for quite a long time and love each other to pieces, I know I could never ever see him with another girl even if I was involved too. And who would we chose to get involved? I certainly couldn't have a threesome with any girl that I know, imagine the embarrassment afterwards! I can see a couple of months of avoiding each other and stilted conversations and then losing that friendship forever Similarly, I couldn't bear knowing a girl who helped make one of my boyfriends greatest fantasies come true could be his friend afterwards. How could he ever not look at her and imagine her naked? And if I have allowed him to sleep with her once why not again, only this time without me and in secret?

Ultimately I think that a threesome would eventually end our relationship and while I am ore than happy to let him film our next session the threesome is one fantasy that I refuse to indulge him in. Surely it would be better left as just that anyway, could the reality ever be as good as his imagination makes it?

Don't get me wrong though, it isn't something I am completely dismissing. The idea certainly intrigues me. Its just not something I want to do with someone I love.

The selfish friend

2009-05-20T20:16:00.002+01:00

I have quite a large close-knit group of friends at university. An almost 50/50 mixture of boys and girls, we all lived together last year in a block of 26 and now everyone except me (I am at home to save money) are living in 3 houses which are all on the same road. I spend as much time as I possibly can at their houses when I am not with the Boyfriend. Although home is great for nice meals, long relaxing baths and the general warmth you don't get in student houses I am a sociable person and really hate spending the night in my own bed alone. Within the group there are two couples and there have been a few nights of passion between others. None of which involved me.

My best friend at uni is Ellie. She is wonderfully funny, beautiful and always manages to have fun. But she is one of the most insecure people I have ever met. I personally blame her parents, he father has recently told her she should only be eating 800 calories a day because he was ashamed to introduce her to his friends! I should add her that she is definitely not fat, maybe ever so slightly overweight but its hardly noticeable. The only way Ellie can ever feel good about herself is by getting with guys, kissing is OK but if she can sleep with them she will. Because of this she has been called a slag many a time and it doesn't even work. As soon as they fail to text the next day she is miserable again.

Recently she has had a big thing for our friend Chris and over the summer and up until after Christmas they had a sort of 'thing' where they would sleep together in secret. It was totally messed up, she is in love with him and he never realised and just wanted a quick shag. Nobody could say anything to him because we had been sworn to secrecy by Ellie. Eventually in some big scenes it all came out and it is pretty much in the past now.

Me and Chris are quite close, I like being with him because I think he brings out the funny side in me and we can have a good banter. But recently some fool in our group (I don't know who) has told Ellie that they think Chris likes me. Although ever so secretly I sometimes wonder if this could be true I have absolutely no feelings for him at all. The problem is now Ellie sees this all the time, if I turn up and Chris is there she goes quiet and moody and if she sees me chatting with him she insists I am flirting with him. This only usually happens when she is drunk but I can see it there all the time. Now he has asked me to go for a drink at the student union with him after our last exam. It is very very definitely only friendly but I almost said no because I knew it would upset her. In the end I agreed but invited a few other friends along too, just to make sure.

I love her to pieces but I'm just not sure that I can keep refusing to go out or trying not to talk to people I like because of Ellie's insecurity's. I am aware that this seems quite selfish but I have to pander to her all the time and I am getting slightly fed up of it.

My first Wednesday Weirdness

2009-05-13T19:44:00.002+01:00

1.) What are your least favorite sounds?
Nails on a blackboard, it actually makes my teeth ache!

2.) Do you enjoy reading infidelity blogs? Why? If you don't, is there any reason why you don't?
Well I kind of write one so I would have to say yes. And even if I didn't the answer is still yes. Life is so muhc more exciting when it's naughty!

3.) If you could make one frivolous purchase right now without expense being an option, what one thing would you go buy?
I really really need a new car because mine is breaking down every week! If money was really no problem it would have to be something really expensive and gorgeous. I would love everyone to be looking at my car, as long as I was behind tinted windows.

4.) Have you ever gotten drunk and then gotten behind the wheel to drive?
My friend lost his licence for a year so I wouldn't be that stupid. Although I probably have been over the limit several times the morning after a very late night without realising.

5.) As an adult, have you ever been caught having sex by someone you didn't ever want to catch you in the act?
No, Thank God. Although my younger sister did walk into my bedroom while the Boss (who is also her boss) was asleep in bed with me.

6.) If your current significant other wound up in jail for no less than 5 years but didn't kill or physically harm anyone, would you wait for them or move on?
Can i wait but cheat? Of course I can, I do it anyway!

7.) If you had to participate, would you rather be in a mud wrestling competition or a JellO wrestling competition?
Mud.

My sexy boyfriend

2009-05-13T19:13:00.003+01:00

I discovered this week just how much a small change in your mindset can affect your sex life... In the past couple of years although we have had what i would call a healthy amount of sex for a young couple, maybe 3 or 4 times a week, I haven't often really been in the mood. It's like I decided that the Boyfriend was there for love and company and the Boss was there to be my fantasy and, sometimes, my reality.

Recently though I have given myself completely to the Boyfriend and we have been having a more active and exciting sex life than ever. I never realised before just how amazing he really is in bed (& the car, kitchen, shower, etc) and in just a few short days we have done some things I have never done before.

One of these things was anal sex. The thought of this had always turned me on but I have tried it twice before, with the boyfriend and an ex-shag, and had to stop because of the pain. Managed it on Monday night though and although I would definitely limit it to a once in a while activity I will also definitely do it again. The Boyfriend has also taken to lightly spanking me while he takes me from behind and I have found out that he absolutely adores watching me bring myself to orgasm. Also, one of the sexiest things I could ever do for him is lick and suck his fingers when they have just been inside me.

It's amazing that this big change in our sex life can also cause our whole relationship to be completely revitalised. We have been having the best time together, I am so glad I know that all it takes to make him so completely happy is showing him how much I want him. Turns out this relationship malarkey is easy! I am sorry if this is not quite as juicy as previous posts and a little too cheesy, but hopefully I put enough smutty details in there too keep you happy.

Boys or Girls?

2009-05-05T19:44:00.000+01:00

I often wonder what exactly my sexuality is. I know I like men. A lot. I like to flirt with them, kiss them, and do very very kinky things with them as often as possible. But I don't like looking at them, I almost never look at a guy and think he is attractive. My Boyfriend is hot, I know he is, especially because he is an amazing man with the most gorgeous cuddly skin. The Boss is hot. He must be, girls come on to him all the time, everywhere. And he is a huge flirt, which is enough to make me think he is attractive. Johnny Depp is very hot, because he has the most gorgeous cheek bones and is a brilliant actor who takes work because he loves it not for money and exposure. And here is my secret and very weird man crush, Alan Rickman is hot because of his voice, which is the sexiest thing I've ever heard.
Now, that's about the extent of the men I think are particularly hot. Apart from several of my male friends who are gorgeous, but I never noticed how good looking they are until we had become best friends.

Get me onto the girls and it's a completely different story. My list would go on and on and on. Jennifer Aniston, Blake Lively, Angelina Jolie, Eva Longoria, Hayden Pantierre, Cheryl Cole...I could go on forever. Its not just celebrities whose airbrushed pictures are everywhere but everywhere I go I notice how girls look, particularly their legs and asses. Part of it is jealousy, I know this. I have a nice figure, although I could do with loosing a few pounds, but I would kill for the legs of many of the girls I see on nights out. But its also appreciative. I have had a couple of sneaky kisses with girls in the past but I certainly don't think I am a lesbian.

I sometimes feel really weird about the fact I just don't seem to find men attractive though, when all my friends are noticing the guys in the club or in a film I am watching the pretty girls. I'm not really fussed because I know that when I know a guy I will always think he is attractive, but i just wonder if anybody else feels this way and if I will ever stop looking at every girl I see to compare her boobs, face and legs to mine. Because I will never be as confident as I want to be unless I stop obsessing about everybody else.

Feelings?

2009-05-05T16:04:00.000+01:00

Weird things happened with the Boss last night. The night was going really well and I was having more fun than usual. The Boss was making his usualy cheeky comments and we had a couple of dances which involved some lingering glances and wandering hands but nothing more. Then later in the takeaway, for reasons unknown even to me, I decided to tell him that I had slept with the Boyfriend after our naughty taxi ride the other week. I was taken completely by suprise when he just walked away and got into a taxi without saying anything else to me. When I got back to my friends house he text me asking if I was home ok and i replied to see what was wrong. In the following texts he told me that he hated it when he saw me flirting or kissing other guys and that the thought of the Boyfriend touching my body bothered him more than he thought possible. He then went on to say that there is something between us that we can both feel. It was nothing like the usual flirty texts and neither of us were particularly drunk. Now I'm more confused than ever, I really like him, as I'm sure you know by now but I do love the Boyfriend. And to make matters worse his girlfriend is pregnant, although she is having an abortion.
Is it just complete stupidity to continue in this weird situation? I'm happy though, it's exciting and dangerous and there is nothing I love more than those two things.

Bored with life

2009-05-01T17:12:00.001+01:00

I have started this post many times recently but there's just not a huge amount going on in my life right now. Things are going pretty good with the Boyfriend at the moment and apart from a few cheeky texts and a small incident in the back of a taxi nothing new has happened with the Boss. Now it's exam time and I'm busy revising and writing essays so I haven't had much time to go out and do bad things recently anyway. It's Getting a bit boring really, I'm having to content myself with fantasising. And they have been some pretty active fantasy's.

I will get to writing some of them down soon, hopefully I will manage to make some of them come true soon enough and relieve some of this boredom and the pressure of uni.

Ropes and Chains

2009-04-11T00:55:00.000+01:00

I've always been very turned on by the thought of being tied up during sex. It's a shared fantasy that I often discuss with The Boss but that we have never been sober enough to actually do when we get together. And although I've never broached the subject with The Boyfriend I don't think it's his cup of tea exactly. I did indulge once but it was with an early boyfriend many years ago during which time he tied me up with the school tie I was still wearing 5 days a week and would be for the next two years, neither of us were particularly sexually experienced.

I know exactly why the thought of being tied up is enough to bring me close to orgasm. I relish the idea of being completely at somebody else's mercy. To have to do whatever I am told and unable to escape is thrilling to me. Maybe a gag would be added to the mix and then I wouldn't even be able to speak, only my eyes and the arch of my back would convey my pleasure.

I don't think this is something I would ever want to try with the boyfriend, the sheer naughtiness of it makes me want to do it with somebody just as naughty and exciting. Somebody that would tie me up, do unspeakable things to me and then leave. It is unthinkable that i could have one of my greatest fantasies come true and then afterwards be cuddled and loved by the same person that moments ago had me in their total control. I just need to find someone that can read what I need and give it to me. Then walk away afterwards.

Relationship

2009-04-07T13:10:00.000+01:00

Apologies for not writing recently but there isn't much going on. I expected my next post to be all about my newly single life but actually it's completely the opposite. Since I told The Boyfriend I didn't want to be with him anymore our relationship has got so much better. He is making an extra effort and I actually just want to be with him all the time, I'm hoping it will last but I know it might not. I am just taking each day as it comes and enjoying my loving relationship. I haven't even been with the Boss in ages, although we still send cheeky texts when we are drunk together. So I'm not sure when I will be writing next because what is there to say?

The nearly ex-boyfriend

2009-03-16T12:53:00.000Z

I made my decision over the past week and it was inevitable I suppose that this was that I didn't want to be with the Boyfriend anymore. So last night I told him how I felt. I knew it would be hard but it was so terrible I just couldn't go through with it. It was horrible how much i upset him, he is usually so strong. But when he begged me to try for longer saying nobody would ever love me like he does I just couldn't leave. I stayed the night with him and even though it was nice I still think I was right in the first place.
I promised him a few more weeks so I will try and have an open mind and see what happens over these few weeks, but he knows now that he doesn't make me happy anymore and I think this is the beginning of the end.

This whole thing makes me really sad but also kind of excited about the life i can have afterwards. I had another taster of this life on Friday night and it made me so eager for more. It was a big night that started with watching 'Comic Relief' but ended with the best party I have ever been to, it was like an episode of 'Skins', a house full to bursting, with a DJ in every room, a 'chill out room' for people smoking spliffs. It was a brilliant party. What made it even better was the appearance of The footballer who showed up because I told him I was there and an enormous amount of attention was lavished upon me by the friend of one of my Uni mates who had come up for the night. It made me feel so confident and brilliant.

I will keep you updated on what happens with the Boyfriend and there may be more to tell after tonight which is a big night out for my friends birthday.

The Footballer

2009-03-09T15:02:00.000Z

As well as sleeping with the Boss on a not so regular basis for the past two years there have been a few times during my time with the boyfriend that i have gone out, got drunk and kissed other people. Sometimes people i know, other times i have just pulled boys onto the dance floor for someone to make out with. The one thing that links all these things together is that i have only ever got with other people in front of the Boss, to make him jealous.

On my birthday night out one of the random guys i pulled happened to go to my university. In a moment of madness i gave him my number and for a week after we swapped messages and spoke on facebook. He is a footballer with the best body I have ever had the chance to get up close and personal with. On Wednesday I went to my students union and ended up in his flat, having sex with someone that wasn't the Boss or Boyfriend in three years. I freaked. I pushed him away and ran. At the time it felt like the right thing to do and after some explaining he is fine with me and I got away with my conscience.

But now i find myself wondering what it would have been like if i had stayed and wondering if i will get the chance to make it up to him. I want to fuck that footballer. And i really want my head to sort itself out, so I can decide whether i really want to be in my relationship.

Sex and Texts

2009-03-03T20:27:00.000Z

I've done it again. Twice.

Friday night was probably the stupidest thing we have done so far. After we left a club at 3.30am we took a taxi back to mine and spent an hour rolling around on the floor of the lounge before he got a taxi back to his where his girlfriend was waiting for him. Took him a lot of lies to explain why it took him and hour and a half to make the 15 minute trip home but boy was it worth it.

Last night was better. I went out with several lads from work and I was the only girl, it was inevitable really that something would happen and he seemed to get jealous that i was dancing a flirting with my other boss (maybe its men with power that do it for me?) Its ridiculous I know but I did love that he was jealous. We actually spent most of the night arguing but once we had left the pub we had one of our very deep conversations where we talked about what would happen if we were single. I don't quite know how but I ended up going back with him. It was a marathon session and absolutely brilliant.

Today we exchanged messages:

"You need to stop being so much fun"

"Never going to happen. You will just have to stop being around me if you can't control yourself"

"I do control myself. If I didn't you would be in for it. You know you bring the bad out in me, the things I wanted to do to you..."

That message makes me seriously horny. If only his follow up text hadn't said that we really needed to stop now. Thats all part of the fun though, if we knew that these things were going to happen I doubt it would be so exciting. We say no more but I know I'm hoping not to have to wait too long until i get him again.

Staff Party

2009-02-27T00:11:00.000Z

Staff party's are always tricky events in my opinion. Too much free alcohol, nothing to do but drink it in a room full of people you would never spend time with if you didn't have to work with them. The last staff party we had ended with me kissing a lesbian and telling my managers wife lots of my sordid little secrets. Although this one was slightly more restrained I still managed to wake up the next day next to the Boss. Although I can't remember the exact details he assures me that nothing much happened, probably because I spent most of my night throwing up...

I turned 20 this week, i think thats supposed to make me a woman but that just doesn't seem right, im definatly not ready to grow up yet. If i stay young i can blame my lose morals on my age, being 20 makes me feel like i should be a little more, well, faithful i suppose.
So, to go completely against this i spent my birthday night out as a 'single girl', I had an argument with the boyfriend in the day and instead of trying to make things up with him I thought fuck him, i'm going to use this as an excuse to do whatever the fuck I want. So I did. It was a brilliant night.

If I can keep it up without the boyfriend finding out then I don't see what the harm really is. This way I get a gorgeous man waiting for me at home and the single life when im out with my friends, what more could I ask for? But then I think, if i really loved and cared for the boyfriend I wouldn't want to do this to him. And now im confused all over again.

Partying

2009-02-20T17:42:00.000Z

He comes and stands behind me at a crowded bar pushing against me as a que gathers behind us, "You really shouldn't do that." I whisper into his ear, my lips dangerously close to his neck
"What?" he asks, confused.
"Stand so close that i can feel the hardness of your cock pressing against my bottom." is my reply "I am so turned on".
With that I give him a smile and walk away with my drink, feeling his eyes on me the whole way to the dance floor. He appears next to me moments later, minus the drink he was queuing for. Neither of us look at each other or say anything, we dance within our group of friends, all of whom are oblivious to the sexual tension buzzing around us. He stays close by my side until i wander off the dance floor. Quickly he pulls me into a secluded spot and moves in for a kiss, but i pull away and turn my back to him, diverting my attention to my mobile. Not put out he runs his hand up my bare leg, slowly teasing his way up the inside of my thigh until he is stroking the front of my silky knickers. I press my ass against his cock, wriggling slightly as i feel him respond. I turn to face him and kiss him once, softly on the lips nibbling slightly before i pull away regretfully noticing a friend looking for us.
"Later" I promise him, before returning to the group with a smile on my face.

2009-02-18T11:12:00.000Z

I have been having a lot of fantasies lately. I have always had a very active fantasy sex life but for whatever reason (possibly recent events with the Boss or my disinterest in sex with the Boyfriend) i am having erotic fantasies almost constantly at the moment. My favorites are with the Boss at work, him bending me over and taking me over one of the restaurant tables, sucking his cock on the office chair, riding him in the children's play area. These are all regular ones. Then there are the ones with men that i have never even seen or don't even exist.

You see, i have never had that heady year or two of sleeping with anyone who takes my fancy. So far the student life i would love has eluded me. At school i certainly got around, at a time when as long as you didn't have penetrative sex you weren't a slag i went as far as i could and would find it hard to name many of my male friends from this time that i didn't get with at one time or an other. But they were more often than not drunken, inexperienced and self conscious. What i need now is a stream of guys who know how to please a girl.

New guys who know how to please a girl.

Trouble

2009-02-15T21:48:00.000Z

What a weekend. Had to spend the entirety of Saturday and today working with the Boss. It was fine, we never really get uncomfortable with each other, but Thursday and Friday had been eventful for us both.

His girlfriend found out that he had been secretly seeing another friend of ours, L, (yes, i knew about this and yes i know that makes me even more of a fool than i already seemed to be) and the first person she turned to for help was me. I felt so guilty trying to give her advice without teling her i already knew and knowing that i had been sleeping with him and just that morning had been fantasising about what fun we could have in the childrens play area at work, wondering how i could make it happen. Anyway, she has forgiven him and her, unbelievably fast. No woner he cheats so often when he knows he won't even loose her!

Then today his girlfriend told me that he had sworn on the life of his two year old son that he hadn't been with any other girl apart from L. I should only been feeling relief that he didn't tell her the truth, which would have ruined everything, but instead i was strangely hurt.

This is getting completely ridiculous. Thursday night is one of the biggest nights out of the year around here and almost everyone i know will be there, incluing the boss and his girlfriend. I know i will act like a complete idiot, especially if they are close, which almost never happens but is likely too this week. I wish i could just keep myself away, where is my share of willpower?!

Presents

2009-02-11T22:19:00.000Z

My friend, The Boss' girlfriend, has just told me he is spening £100 on her for valentines day because he "wants to show her how much he loves her". This makes me laugh. Just yesterday morning he had his fingers inside me.

Makes me glad the boyfriend doesn't do these extravagant gestures. I know he loves me because he shows me everyday in how he treats me.

Yet another reason i should forget the Boss and concentrate on the boyfriend. He treats me so much better than the Boss ever would.

So why do i refuse to stop?

2009-02-11T17:58:00.000Z

So, i went out on monday night and got left alone in a club with the Boss. It was going well, overly well i suppose. We were getting on really well, propably a direct result of the copius amounts of alcohol being drunk. But sitting by the bar alone with him that thing that sometimes happens between the two of us took place. We started to talk. Everything came out, all sorts of stuff that i had never told any one before about my feelings for the boyfriend, my feelings for the Boss, basically everything i shouldn't have said. This isn't the first time, sometimes i think he knows more about me better than anyone.

Anyway, the outcome of it all was that we kissed, alot. Then we went back to the house i was staying at and fucked. It wasn't the best, we were both far too drunk for it to be brilliant. The tricky thing happened the next morning. Usually when something happens between us the next day involves a mad rush out the door and a couple of texts that leave me completely confused. But we spent hours cudling and kissing, then when my friend rang to check that i hadn't slept with him (i lied) he tried to distract me in some very interesting ways. This is doubly confusing because we never get together sober. I loved it.

I am so mixed up right now, it doesn't help that the boyfriend is coming home tonight to spend five days with me over valentines day. I am so excited that he is coming home but its too early after the time with the Boss. I usually spend atleast four days after the event remembering it and getting that brilliant feeling that starts in my stomach and continues to move down giving me tingles all over. A feeling the boyfriend hasn't given me for years.

Time to go an see my baby and try and be the perfect girlfriend i am suppose to be. Wish me luck!

Tonight

2009-02-07T11:04:00.000Z

I have just one plan for tonight.

Don't get drunk and text the Boss.

Should be easy, right?

Me

2009-02-07T00:12:00.000Z

So I suppose that for my first blog i should explain a bit about myself: I am studying English and History at university, a subject that requires little time in lectures but a huge amount of time reading. Which i love because it means i can spend the majority of my working time in bed. I am not single, i have been with my boyfriend for three years but last September he went away to Uni, completely changing the whole relationship. I am still undecided if it's for better or for worse. Unlike most people i love my job, although if a few key people no longer worked there i don't think i would either. I try and go out atleast three times a week, if my bank balance allows it and love to dance.

Now the boring introductions are over with i will get to the nitty gritty. Basically, i am a selfish bitch. I know this. and although nobody else will tell me so they know it too. I have been sleeping with one of my best friends boyfriends.

The man in question is also my boss and he is everything the boyfriend isn't. He isn't very attractive, he is arrogant, vain, cocky and a womanizer. He often makes me so mad i could scream and i believe he is one of the most hypocrytical people i have ever met. The problem is that he is a major flirt, in the most obvious way. Everyone has met the type, its typical schoolyard stuff. He punches me as he walks past, winks at me, and texts me cheeky messages. The problem is, he is this way with all the girls. I know this, im not an idiot. I am in no way special but, then again, neither is he. I just like the way he makes me feels wanted, even while he is making me feel totally unwanted. When he walks past me and pinches my ass i secretly feel really turned on. When he texts me, even just to say hi, i find it impossible not to reply.

When i say im sleeping with him, i actually mean have slept with him four times, in about two years. My friend, his girlfriend, knows about two of these times. One was before they were together. One was whilst they were together. I have been forgivven. And still i continue. The Boyfriend is perfect and loves me, whenever i am with him or think about him i vow to stop flirting with the Boss, but once i am out with him, particularly if i'm drinking i become uncontrollable and send those ridiculous drunkern messages that i regret the second my hangover kicks in.

Is it just me who is attracted to men like this? Who are totally wrong, who you know you will never want to be with and could possibly ruin everything for you?

I need to change...it's time to sort this mess of a life out.