Failed

So when I said last week that after finding out what the Boyfriend did I was never going to cheat again I really did mean it. But I didn't expect to have an opportunity for a fantastic night with the Boss.

My parents away away at the moment which mean free house and on Saturday I had The Boss and 2 other guys over for some drinks for something to do. The Boss was actually the first person I spoke to about the Boyfriends cheating and when I told him I was never cheating again he told me there was no way I would manage it. As soon as I invited him over on Saturday he said
"This is my chance to prove you haven't stopped cheating" and that with a bit of Southern Comfort down me he knew I would fail. He even bought the bottle for us to share. The whole night was full of funny and interesting banter and I was really enjoying myself. Eventually it ended up just the two of us, very drunk on Southern Comfort having a fumble in my bed.

But that wasn't the best part, when we woke up the next day with massive headaches and morning breath we stayed in bed for hours. At first we were just having a laugh and moaning about our hangovers, he kept laughing at me saying I failed.

"Failed, failed, failed failed" then he kissed me, "failed". Then he kissed me some more. We spent the next two hours just kissing and cuddling and holding hands. He kept kissing me on the cheek, the forehead, and affectionately biting my nose then kissing it. It was brilliant. And so totally confusing.

But then last night we all went out and he pretty much ignored me all night. Apart from telling me not to make him jealous when I was chatting with Stigg and having a go at me when I was getting my other Boss to buy me drinks.

As is always the way after the initial couple of days of feeling great and constantly reliving the moment now I feel like crap. Not guilty though.

More drunk texts

I text the Boss again the other night. I was very drunk, he was sober. I told him that I really like him and that I hate it when he tells me that he is jealous of me and Stigg. He said that its because he is jealous but why did I hate it. So I said "Because I want you not him" to which he replied

"You shouldn't just settle with Stigg you know"

In my very drunken state I replied with something ridiculous but reading over the texts the next day I realised that he could have meant something much more, does he want me?
He was completely sober, so it wasn't a drunk thing for him. He spent all of the next day at work teasing me but it was the playful banter that I love between us.

He is having lots of problems with Claire at the moment, separate bedrooms. So maybe he just wanted some attention. And even if he did like me its not like I could or would do anything about it. Nothing has happened between us in ages, I just miss that buzz. Getting with him isn't like getting with anyone else. Its far more exciting.

I don't know what to think.

Coming or Going?

"I never know where I am with you, whether I am coming or going.."

What the hell does this message mean? I received it from the boss yesterday after some messages just about work. In the messages before this he asked me if I was being an ass and my reply was
"No, would I ever?!"
Meant as a joke and to lighten the conversation a bit because I had been a bit annoyed at him. It was a few hours later when I received this, just when I was falling asleep. I didn't reply because I didn't know how too.

Presents for Claire

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Stigg and I

I need to stop texting Stigg. Not only is my bill going to be huge but it is still a form of cheating. I am deleting all my texts before I go to the Boyfriends which defintley means I'm not comfortable with what is being said.
But it is still exciting and he is very sweet which makes me feel good. Its always nice to have people wanting you. Plus, I found out he is being a bit of a player and 'texting' a few girls, which makes me feel better about it. I'm cool with that, I have a boyf and I simply just don't care. Although I do get the feeling that he is expecting a little more. Last week he kept putting his hand down my top as i stood at the bar and last night he told me that he couldn't wait for this weeks night out because it is going to be a "brilliant night and hopefully a brilliant end to the night too" when I asked him why he just said because I will be there... Hopefully it is just what he says to all the girls though, he knows I have a boyfriend so he shouldn't expect anything much.

Work with the Boss on wednesday after tuesday nights texts was actually fun. The great thing about him is that I can talk to him so freely about stuff, so when he started bringing it up I didn't have to run away embarrassed but could have a joke with him about it. Which made me feel much more comfortable about the whole situation. And also made me like him more, damn it.

The reason drunk people should not have phones.. part2

The Boss text me today for no reason other than to chat. He hasn't done that in ages, we only usually text if we have something particular to say. I can't help but wonder if he is just texting me cos he likes knowing I like him.

The reason drunk people should not have phones..

I told the Boss I like him last night, something I am very embarrassed about today!
He knows I used to like him, I used to get drunk and tell him all the time but I haven't said anything for ages. And what with me turning him down three times (!) he really thought I was over it.
The worst part is that I had a great night out with his girlfriend & when I hadn't got my key to go home they said I could stay on the sofa. I didn't want to, its a bit weird knowing that she knows I have slept with him and just being with the two of them, but I had no other choice! Anyway in the end they had a massive row (nothing new there, it happens every time they go out together) and I ended up sleeping with his girlfriend (who I am as of now going to call Claire because she is popping up more and I think she need a name) in their bed while he slept on the sofa. I was wasted and couldn't help but text him to tell him that I hate liking him so much and that I have done for too long now. Could it have been any worse?! I basically told him that I have liked him since I first started liking him well over a year ago.

When I woke up this morning with a massive hangover he had already gone to work so I didn't have to see him straight away. I text him apologising but instead of doing the decent thing and saying something along the lines of 'It's OK I know you were really drunk and didn't mean it' he said he hadn't realised I still felt like that. Damn. So I had to be the one to say I was really drunk and didn't mean it... and it doesn't sound as good coming from me!

In other news it turns out Stigg has got quite a big crush on me which makes me feel very bad about getting with him. He is texting me all the time and even thought he knows I have a boyfriend he is getting quite full on. Luckily having a boyfriend makes it easier to escape from the situation without hurting him.

The Third No

The Boss tried it on again last night.

I'm starting to see a pattern, nowadays he only ever tries something if he thinks I might be getting with someone else.

I said no. Third time.

I feel good but also a little scared he might stop trying. Then what would I do?

His Crazy Girlfriend

It turns out the Boss's girlfriend, although one of my close friends (as much as I can call her that) is completely mental. I mean totally crazy!

On Monday night she was understandably annoyed that we had gone out without inviting her, which was the Boss's idea not mine. While arguing with him over text she revealed that ages ago, maybe as much as 3 or 4 months back, she had read messages on his phone between the two of us which made it obvious that we had slept together again. She kept it quite for all this time and was completely normal with both of us. Even talking to me about any troubles they wee having and her fears about our other friend he has been with. After it came out she knew she text me asking about it but after just a couple of texts she told me she just wanted to forget about it and things to go back to normal! Then later she asked me to go to the cinema with her tonight, even offering to pay when I said I have no money!

That's not normal behaviour, right? She must be the most insecure and possibly lonely person I've ever met. I feel unbelievably sorry for her and its definitely made me even more completely against getting with the Boss as I was the the last post. I have no idea how to react around her now, I'm spending the night home alone rather than go to the cinema with her because however normal she has been with me since she found out I really can't. I know that this is the perfect scenario for me really and I also know her well enough to know its for real and not some elaborate plan to get me back. But I also know she will always hate me a little bit, as she should, so I don't think I can possibly continue our friendship as before. I am totally disgusted at myself for upsetting her so much and hopefully this blog will now be a Boss free zone...

I Hate Him.

Night out last night with just The Boss and a mutual male friend and I have to be honest, I was pretty much expecting something to happen the second we decided to go out after a horrible night at work. He was being really flirty the whole night and had had an argument with his girlfriend which meant he didn't give a shit. But nothing did happen. instead, he spent half the night kissing a random girl he pulled in front of me while our other mate had disappeared, leaving me on my own which really pissed me off and I have to admit upset me a little. But the real kick in the teeth was when we left the club he text me saying:

'Sex?'

That was it.

No come on in any way, no more flirting. Literally he left one girl whose number he had taken and who he was texting and asked me in just one word to fuck him. Obviously the answer was no. I told him to fuck off. I have never been so pissed off in all my life. He rang me this morning and was laughing about it, telling me I was just jealous. Why doesn't he understand it has nothing to do with that and more to do with feeling used and like a piece of meat just there for when he can't find someone else. I really hate him.

A Party with The Boss

So the whole keeping away from The Boss thing may have been slightly ruined I'm not really sure how I came out of it to be honest. Maybe I will understand more when I've written the story down.

My friend from work, Irish, had a spur of the moment party in her halls because most people from there have now gone home. The Boss was there but that didn't really mean anything at first. It used to be that if The Boss and I were going to be drinking together and his girlfriend wouldn't be there I would expect something to happen, but I've stopped thinking like that recently. There was lots of vodka and drinking games and we were having a great time. Then The Boss mistakenly thought he saw me kiss another friend, Stigg and I overheard him telling him that seen as he had kissed me, which his girlfriend would dump him for, he may as well fuck me too and be dumped for really doing something. I was a bit indignant at that! For one I hadn't even kissed him and for another who is The Boss to talk someone into sleeping with me when I didn't even want to! Then I overheard Stigg, who I have got with in the past and who always tries something on when he is drunk telling The Boss that he doesn't want to cheat but that its always me, to which the Boss replied that he knew exactly what he meant and that there's 'something about me', I also heard him say that I was definitely worth the risk. I just don't get it! I'm not sure how to take the comments or why he was telling someone to sleep with me.

Later when we were all crammed into Irish's room trying to sleep Stigg curled up next to me and kept trying it on, The Boss was making jokes about us and I was getting pretty annoyed. So I text him telling him he was a twat. His reply was that he was just trying to hide his jealousy and so I told him there was nothing to be jealous of, his reply was a shock,

"All I want to do right now is take you away somewhere and fuck you, whether there is something to be jealous of or not"

It was so hard to resist him after that, but miraculously I did! He knew I wanted to go along with his suggestion we slyly leave but I told him we would both regret it too much the next day. Its the first time I've resisted him, maybe because we were both pretty much sober or because I am actually managing to restrain myself now. Which ever I feel pretty good today both because I resisted and because I feel pretty hot as well when two guys are after me like that. I'm not sure how long I can actually resist The Boss for though, I'm going to need to spend more time with the Boyfriend and less with The Boss to make sure I don't go back to the messy life I had before, however much I want to right now.

Boys or Girls?

I often wonder what exactly my sexuality is. I know I like men. A lot. I like to flirt with them, kiss them, and do very very kinky things with them as often as possible. But I don't like looking at them, I almost never look at a guy and think he is attractive. My Boyfriend is hot, I know he is, especially because he is an amazing man with the most gorgeous cuddly skin. The Boss is hot. He must be, girls come on to him all the time, everywhere. And he is a huge flirt, which is enough to make me think he is attractive. Johnny Depp is very hot, because he has the most gorgeous cheek bones and is a brilliant actor who takes work because he loves it not for money and exposure. And here is my secret and very weird man crush, Alan Rickman is hot because of his voice, which is the sexiest thing I've ever heard.
Now, that's about the extent of the men I think are particularly hot. Apart from several of my male friends who are gorgeous, but I never noticed how good looking they are until we had become best friends.

Get me onto the girls and it's a completely different story. My list would go on and on and on. Jennifer Aniston, Blake Lively, Angelina Jolie, Eva Longoria, Hayden Pantierre, Cheryl Cole...I could go on forever. Its not just celebrities whose airbrushed pictures are everywhere but everywhere I go I notice how girls look, particularly their legs and asses. Part of it is jealousy, I know this. I have a nice figure, although I could do with loosing a few pounds, but I would kill for the legs of many of the girls I see on nights out. But its also appreciative. I have had a couple of sneaky kisses with girls in the past but I certainly don't think I am a lesbian.

I sometimes feel really weird about the fact I just don't seem to find men attractive though, when all my friends are noticing the guys in the club or in a film I am watching the pretty girls. I'm not really fussed because I know that when I know a guy I will always think he is attractive, but i just wonder if anybody else feels this way and if I will ever stop looking at every girl I see to compare her boobs, face and legs to mine. Because I will never be as confident as I want to be unless I stop obsessing about everybody else.

Feelings?

Weird things happened with the Boss last night. The night was going really well and I was having more fun than usual. The Boss was making his usualy cheeky comments and we had a couple of dances which involved some lingering glances and wandering hands but nothing more. Then later in the takeaway, for reasons unknown even to me, I decided to tell him that I had slept with the Boyfriend after our naughty taxi ride the other week. I was taken completely by suprise when he just walked away and got into a taxi without saying anything else to me. When I got back to my friends house he text me asking if I was home ok and i replied to see what was wrong. In the following texts he told me that he hated it when he saw me flirting or kissing other guys and that the thought of the Boyfriend touching my body bothered him more than he thought possible. He then went on to say that there is something between us that we can both feel. It was nothing like the usual flirty texts and neither of us were particularly drunk. Now I'm more confused than ever, I really like him, as I'm sure you know by now but I do love the Boyfriend. And to make matters worse his girlfriend is pregnant, although she is having an abortion.
Is it just complete stupidity to continue in this weird situation? I'm happy though, it's exciting and dangerous and there is nothing I love more than those two things.

Sex and Texts

I've done it again. Twice.

Friday night was probably the stupidest thing we have done so far. After we left a club at 3.30am we took a taxi back to mine and spent an hour rolling around on the floor of the lounge before he got a taxi back to his where his girlfriend was waiting for him. Took him a lot of lies to explain why it took him and hour and a half to make the 15 minute trip home but boy was it worth it.

Last night was better. I went out with several lads from work and I was the only girl, it was inevitable really that something would happen and he seemed to get jealous that i was dancing a flirting with my other boss (maybe its men with power that do it for me?) Its ridiculous I know but I did love that he was jealous. We actually spent most of the night arguing but once we had left the pub we had one of our very deep conversations where we talked about what would happen if we were single. I don't quite know how but I ended up going back with him. It was a marathon session and absolutely brilliant.

Today we exchanged messages:

"You need to stop being so much fun"

"Never going to happen. You will just have to stop being around me if you can't control yourself"

"I do control myself. If I didn't you would be in for it. You know you bring the bad out in me, the things I wanted to do to you..."

That message makes me seriously horny. If only his follow up text hadn't said that we really needed to stop now. Thats all part of the fun though, if we knew that these things were going to happen I doubt it would be so exciting. We say no more but I know I'm hoping not to have to wait too long until i get him again.

Staff Party

Staff party's are always tricky events in my opinion. Too much free alcohol, nothing to do but drink it in a room full of people you would never spend time with if you didn't have to work with them. The last staff party we had ended with me kissing a lesbian and telling my managers wife lots of my sordid little secrets. Although this one was slightly more restrained I still managed to wake up the next day next to the Boss. Although I can't remember the exact details he assures me that nothing much happened, probably because I spent most of my night throwing up...

I turned 20 this week, i think thats supposed to make me a woman but that just doesn't seem right, im definatly not ready to grow up yet. If i stay young i can blame my lose morals on my age, being 20 makes me feel like i should be a little more, well, faithful i suppose.
So, to go completely against this i spent my birthday night out as a 'single girl', I had an argument with the boyfriend in the day and instead of trying to make things up with him I thought fuck him, i'm going to use this as an excuse to do whatever the fuck I want. So I did. It was a brilliant night.

If I can keep it up without the boyfriend finding out then I don't see what the harm really is. This way I get a gorgeous man waiting for me at home and the single life when im out with my friends, what more could I ask for? But then I think, if i really loved and cared for the boyfriend I wouldn't want to do this to him. And now im confused all over again.

I have been having a lot of fantasies lately. I have always had a very active fantasy sex life but for whatever reason (possibly recent events with the Boss or my disinterest in sex with the Boyfriend) i am having erotic fantasies almost constantly at the moment. My favorites are with the Boss at work, him bending me over and taking me over one of the restaurant tables, sucking his cock on the office chair, riding him in the children's play area. These are all regular ones. Then there are the ones with men that i have never even seen or don't even exist.

You see, i have never had that heady year or two of sleeping with anyone who takes my fancy. So far the student life i would love has eluded me. At school i certainly got around, at a time when as long as you didn't have penetrative sex you weren't a slag i went as far as i could and would find it hard to name many of my male friends from this time that i didn't get with at one time or an other. But they were more often than not drunken, inexperienced and self conscious. What i need now is a stream of guys who know how to please a girl.

New guys who know how to please a girl.

Trouble

What a weekend. Had to spend the entirety of Saturday and today working with the Boss. It was fine, we never really get uncomfortable with each other, but Thursday and Friday had been eventful for us both.

His girlfriend found out that he had been secretly seeing another friend of ours, L, (yes, i knew about this and yes i know that makes me even more of a fool than i already seemed to be) and the first person she turned to for help was me. I felt so guilty trying to give her advice without teling her i already knew and knowing that i had been sleeping with him and just that morning had been fantasising about what fun we could have in the childrens play area at work, wondering how i could make it happen. Anyway, she has forgiven him and her, unbelievably fast. No woner he cheats so often when he knows he won't even loose her!

Then today his girlfriend told me that he had sworn on the life of his two year old son that he hadn't been with any other girl apart from L. I should only been feeling relief that he didn't tell her the truth, which would have ruined everything, but instead i was strangely hurt.

This is getting completely ridiculous. Thursday night is one of the biggest nights out of the year around here and almost everyone i know will be there, incluing the boss and his girlfriend. I know i will act like a complete idiot, especially if they are close, which almost never happens but is likely too this week. I wish i could just keep myself away, where is my share of willpower?!

Presents

My friend, The Boss' girlfriend, has just told me he is spening £100 on her for valentines day because he "wants to show her how much he loves her". This makes me laugh. Just yesterday morning he had his fingers inside me.

Makes me glad the boyfriend doesn't do these extravagant gestures. I know he loves me because he shows me everyday in how he treats me.

Yet another reason i should forget the Boss and concentrate on the boyfriend. He treats me so much better than the Boss ever would.

So why do i refuse to stop?

So, i went out on monday night and got left alone in a club with the Boss. It was going well, overly well i suppose. We were getting on really well, propably a direct result of the copius amounts of alcohol being drunk. But sitting by the bar alone with him that thing that sometimes happens between the two of us took place. We started to talk. Everything came out, all sorts of stuff that i had never told any one before about my feelings for the boyfriend, my feelings for the Boss, basically everything i shouldn't have said. This isn't the first time, sometimes i think he knows more about me better than anyone.

Anyway, the outcome of it all was that we kissed, alot. Then we went back to the house i was staying at and fucked. It wasn't the best, we were both far too drunk for it to be brilliant. The tricky thing happened the next morning. Usually when something happens between us the next day involves a mad rush out the door and a couple of texts that leave me completely confused. But we spent hours cudling and kissing, then when my friend rang to check that i hadn't slept with him (i lied) he tried to distract me in some very interesting ways. This is doubly confusing because we never get together sober. I loved it.

I am so mixed up right now, it doesn't help that the boyfriend is coming home tonight to spend five days with me over valentines day. I am so excited that he is coming home but its too early after the time with the Boss. I usually spend atleast four days after the event remembering it and getting that brilliant feeling that starts in my stomach and continues to move down giving me tingles all over. A feeling the boyfriend hasn't given me for years.

Time to go an see my baby and try and be the perfect girlfriend i am suppose to be. Wish me luck!

Me

So I suppose that for my first blog i should explain a bit about myself: I am studying English and History at university, a subject that requires little time in lectures but a huge amount of time reading. Which i love because it means i can spend the majority of my working time in bed. I am not single, i have been with my boyfriend for three years but last September he went away to Uni, completely changing the whole relationship. I am still undecided if it's for better or for worse. Unlike most people i love my job, although if a few key people no longer worked there i don't think i would either. I try and go out atleast three times a week, if my bank balance allows it and love to dance.

Now the boring introductions are over with i will get to the nitty gritty. Basically, i am a selfish bitch. I know this. and although nobody else will tell me so they know it too. I have been sleeping with one of my best friends boyfriends.

The man in question is also my boss and he is everything the boyfriend isn't. He isn't very attractive, he is arrogant, vain, cocky and a womanizer. He often makes me so mad i could scream and i believe he is one of the most hypocrytical people i have ever met. The problem is that he is a major flirt, in the most obvious way. Everyone has met the type, its typical schoolyard stuff. He punches me as he walks past, winks at me, and texts me cheeky messages. The problem is, he is this way with all the girls. I know this, im not an idiot. I am in no way special but, then again, neither is he. I just like the way he makes me feels wanted, even while he is making me feel totally unwanted. When he walks past me and pinches my ass i secretly feel really turned on. When he texts me, even just to say hi, i find it impossible not to reply.

When i say im sleeping with him, i actually mean have slept with him four times, in about two years. My friend, his girlfriend, knows about two of these times. One was before they were together. One was whilst they were together. I have been forgivven. And still i continue. The Boyfriend is perfect and loves me, whenever i am with him or think about him i vow to stop flirting with the Boss, but once i am out with him, particularly if i'm drinking i become uncontrollable and send those ridiculous drunkern messages that i regret the second my hangover kicks in.

Is it just me who is attracted to men like this? Who are totally wrong, who you know you will never want to be with and could possibly ruin everything for you?

I need to change...it's time to sort this mess of a life out.