I have begun this post so many times over the past month but every time I have deleted it again and forgotten about it. For me, this blog represents a lot about me that I don't like and am trying to put behind me. I toyed with the idea of deleting it but have decided to keep writing instead, although I hate what I have done I can't erase my past so I am going to update you all instead.

The Boyfriend and I are still together and things are getting better. Although we aren't seeing much of each other because of all the uni work I have to do and him having a new job we are managing okay. There have been lots of arguments but I think things will work themselves out.

As for the Boss, I haven't even spoken to him since the day it all came out, which is nearly two months now. Luckily (for me) he was fired just after so I didn't have to leave my job which I would have had to otherwise, I told him not to text me any more, deleted his number, and deleted him as a friend on Facebook. I haven't seen him since we kissed. It is brilliant, sometimes I miss how things used to be. I don't go to the places I used to go out drinking, in fact I have only been drunk once since too. But my relationship is much stronger now I am no longer thinking about him.

So even though I regret all the pain that has been caused and constantly wish I could go back to how things used to be with the Boyfriend, I know that if we can get through this everything will be so much better.

Cheat

He cheated on me.

The Boyfriend went to Leeds festival this weekend with his best friend Holly and slept with her. I found out the day he got back because I accidentally read a message on his computer.

It killed me. I never realised how devastated I would be.

We are slowly sorting it out but I can't stop thinking about it. It is literally all that is running through my mind all day and night. Weirdly I actually feel best when I am around him.

I don't know whats going to happen next, she is his best friend but how can I be happy with him seeing her any more?

The one thing I do know is that I am never ever EVER going to cheat again, I never knew before how it feels but this pain makes me sure that I won't do it any more. You might be wondering if I used this chance to tell him about the Boss, but I just couldn't do it that would definitely mean the end of us. Instead I am just going to work on our relationship with him and keep well away from any temptations.

How I Got This Bruise..

As he drove me home after a great night out I stroked his leg idly like I often do in the car. After a while my hand started to wander further up the inside of his thigh until I could feel that he was already hard for me, I started gently stroking without saying a word or even looking at him. He made no sign that anything was happening until he suddenly swung the car off the road into a deserted country lane and turned off the engine. We were immediately all over each other, kissing passionately and grabbing at each others clothes. Pulling his trousers off I bent over with my naked ass against the window to suck hungrily on his cock until I couldn't wait any longer. Reclining his chair as far as it would go I straddled him and fucked him hard. Then he got out of the car and turned me around so I was kneeling on the drivers seat as he stood naked outside the car and took me from behind, not even stopping when another car drove past bathing us in the light of its headlights. Afterwards as we drove home both still half naked he used one hand to drive and the other to make me orgasm time and time again until we finally pulled up to his house where he took me upstairs gave me one last orgasm with his amazing tongue.

At some point during this event I got a large bruise on my right knee, when I touch it I can feel not just a throbbing pain but also the excitement and pleasure of one of the best sex sessions I have ever had. He is going away this weekend but I will be able to relive our night just with a small amount of pressure on my right knee... and maybe a little more on my clit.

Threesome's

For the first time in our three year long relationship the Boyfriend and I talked about our fantasies. It shows how close we have become that he asked me this because I had been thinking just before he mentioned it that I was going to ask him. This meant that when he did I had a nice answer and I'm really hoping that some time soon he is going to surprise me with some ropes and chains.

His answer was only to be expected I suppose. His ultimate fantasy is a threesome. Now why am I not surprised! I don't know what to make of this. We have been together for quite a long time and love each other to pieces, I know I could never ever see him with another girl even if I was involved too. And who would we chose to get involved? I certainly couldn't have a threesome with any girl that I know, imagine the embarrassment afterwards! I can see a couple of months of avoiding each other and stilted conversations and then losing that friendship forever Similarly, I couldn't bear knowing a girl who helped make one of my boyfriends greatest fantasies come true could be his friend afterwards. How could he ever not look at her and imagine her naked? And if I have allowed him to sleep with her once why not again, only this time without me and in secret?

Ultimately I think that a threesome would eventually end our relationship and while I am ore than happy to let him film our next session the threesome is one fantasy that I refuse to indulge him in. Surely it would be better left as just that anyway, could the reality ever be as good as his imagination makes it?

Don't get me wrong though, it isn't something I am completely dismissing. The idea certainly intrigues me. Its just not something I want to do with someone I love.

My sexy boyfriend

I discovered this week just how much a small change in your mindset can affect your sex life... In the past couple of years although we have had what i would call a healthy amount of sex for a young couple, maybe 3 or 4 times a week, I haven't often really been in the mood. It's like I decided that the Boyfriend was there for love and company and the Boss was there to be my fantasy and, sometimes, my reality.

Recently though I have given myself completely to the Boyfriend and we have been having a more active and exciting sex life than ever. I never realised before just how amazing he really is in bed (& the car, kitchen, shower, etc) and in just a few short days we have done some things I have never done before.

One of these things was anal sex. The thought of this had always turned me on but I have tried it twice before, with the boyfriend and an ex-shag, and had to stop because of the pain. Managed it on Monday night though and although I would definitely limit it to a once in a while activity I will also definitely do it again. The Boyfriend has also taken to lightly spanking me while he takes me from behind and I have found out that he absolutely adores watching me bring myself to orgasm. Also, one of the sexiest things I could ever do for him is lick and suck his fingers when they have just been inside me.

It's amazing that this big change in our sex life can also cause our whole relationship to be completely revitalised. We have been having the best time together, I am so glad I know that all it takes to make him so completely happy is showing him how much I want him. Turns out this relationship malarkey is easy! I am sorry if this is not quite as juicy as previous posts and a little too cheesy, but hopefully I put enough smutty details in there too keep you happy.

Boys or Girls?

I often wonder what exactly my sexuality is. I know I like men. A lot. I like to flirt with them, kiss them, and do very very kinky things with them as often as possible. But I don't like looking at them, I almost never look at a guy and think he is attractive. My Boyfriend is hot, I know he is, especially because he is an amazing man with the most gorgeous cuddly skin. The Boss is hot. He must be, girls come on to him all the time, everywhere. And he is a huge flirt, which is enough to make me think he is attractive. Johnny Depp is very hot, because he has the most gorgeous cheek bones and is a brilliant actor who takes work because he loves it not for money and exposure. And here is my secret and very weird man crush, Alan Rickman is hot because of his voice, which is the sexiest thing I've ever heard.
Now, that's about the extent of the men I think are particularly hot. Apart from several of my male friends who are gorgeous, but I never noticed how good looking they are until we had become best friends.

Get me onto the girls and it's a completely different story. My list would go on and on and on. Jennifer Aniston, Blake Lively, Angelina Jolie, Eva Longoria, Hayden Pantierre, Cheryl Cole...I could go on forever. Its not just celebrities whose airbrushed pictures are everywhere but everywhere I go I notice how girls look, particularly their legs and asses. Part of it is jealousy, I know this. I have a nice figure, although I could do with loosing a few pounds, but I would kill for the legs of many of the girls I see on nights out. But its also appreciative. I have had a couple of sneaky kisses with girls in the past but I certainly don't think I am a lesbian.

I sometimes feel really weird about the fact I just don't seem to find men attractive though, when all my friends are noticing the guys in the club or in a film I am watching the pretty girls. I'm not really fussed because I know that when I know a guy I will always think he is attractive, but i just wonder if anybody else feels this way and if I will ever stop looking at every girl I see to compare her boobs, face and legs to mine. Because I will never be as confident as I want to be unless I stop obsessing about everybody else.

Relationship

Apologies for not writing recently but there isn't much going on. I expected my next post to be all about my newly single life but actually it's completely the opposite. Since I told The Boyfriend I didn't want to be with him anymore our relationship has got so much better. He is making an extra effort and I actually just want to be with him all the time, I'm hoping it will last but I know it might not. I am just taking each day as it comes and enjoying my loving relationship. I haven't even been with the Boss in ages, although we still send cheeky texts when we are drunk together. So I'm not sure when I will be writing next because what is there to say?

The nearly ex-boyfriend

I made my decision over the past week and it was inevitable I suppose that this was that I didn't want to be with the Boyfriend anymore. So last night I told him how I felt. I knew it would be hard but it was so terrible I just couldn't go through with it. It was horrible how much i upset him, he is usually so strong. But when he begged me to try for longer saying nobody would ever love me like he does I just couldn't leave. I stayed the night with him and even though it was nice I still think I was right in the first place.
I promised him a few more weeks so I will try and have an open mind and see what happens over these few weeks, but he knows now that he doesn't make me happy anymore and I think this is the beginning of the end.

This whole thing makes me really sad but also kind of excited about the life i can have afterwards. I had another taster of this life on Friday night and it made me so eager for more. It was a big night that started with watching 'Comic Relief' but ended with the best party I have ever been to, it was like an episode of 'Skins', a house full to bursting, with a DJ in every room, a 'chill out room' for people smoking spliffs. It was a brilliant party. What made it even better was the appearance of The footballer who showed up because I told him I was there and an enormous amount of attention was lavished upon me by the friend of one of my Uni mates who had come up for the night. It made me feel so confident and brilliant.

I will keep you updated on what happens with the Boyfriend and there may be more to tell after tonight which is a big night out for my friends birthday.

Me

So I suppose that for my first blog i should explain a bit about myself: I am studying English and History at university, a subject that requires little time in lectures but a huge amount of time reading. Which i love because it means i can spend the majority of my working time in bed. I am not single, i have been with my boyfriend for three years but last September he went away to Uni, completely changing the whole relationship. I am still undecided if it's for better or for worse. Unlike most people i love my job, although if a few key people no longer worked there i don't think i would either. I try and go out atleast three times a week, if my bank balance allows it and love to dance.

Now the boring introductions are over with i will get to the nitty gritty. Basically, i am a selfish bitch. I know this. and although nobody else will tell me so they know it too. I have been sleeping with one of my best friends boyfriends.

The man in question is also my boss and he is everything the boyfriend isn't. He isn't very attractive, he is arrogant, vain, cocky and a womanizer. He often makes me so mad i could scream and i believe he is one of the most hypocrytical people i have ever met. The problem is that he is a major flirt, in the most obvious way. Everyone has met the type, its typical schoolyard stuff. He punches me as he walks past, winks at me, and texts me cheeky messages. The problem is, he is this way with all the girls. I know this, im not an idiot. I am in no way special but, then again, neither is he. I just like the way he makes me feels wanted, even while he is making me feel totally unwanted. When he walks past me and pinches my ass i secretly feel really turned on. When he texts me, even just to say hi, i find it impossible not to reply.

When i say im sleeping with him, i actually mean have slept with him four times, in about two years. My friend, his girlfriend, knows about two of these times. One was before they were together. One was whilst they were together. I have been forgivven. And still i continue. The Boyfriend is perfect and loves me, whenever i am with him or think about him i vow to stop flirting with the Boss, but once i am out with him, particularly if i'm drinking i become uncontrollable and send those ridiculous drunkern messages that i regret the second my hangover kicks in.

Is it just me who is attracted to men like this? Who are totally wrong, who you know you will never want to be with and could possibly ruin everything for you?

I need to change...it's time to sort this mess of a life out.