Help Wanted

I'm sorry that I haven't written for so long. I could blame it on coming back to uni, having lots of work to do and spending too much time getting drunk. But the real reason is because this blog had made me see myself through the eyes of someone else and I didn't like it. I saw a selfish little girl who wanted the best of all the worlds and expected never to get caught. Yet still I didn't stop. Last week I kissed the Boss again and this time my world fell apart. His girlfriend told the Boyfriend. And now I need your help. He knows everything, all about the Boss, the Footballer and Stigg. Yet amazingly he hasn't ended things. In the past week since he found out I have seen him also every night, I have picked him up at 5am from work, stayed the night with him. We have had sex three times and a nice family dinner with his Mum and sister.

but the conversation is stilted, he doesn't touch me at all and we haven't kissed in a week. He told me he still loves me and I have realised exactly how much he means to me. I will do anything to sort things out. Already I have cut myself off completely from the Boss, deleted his number, told him never to text me again and deleted him as a friend on Facebook (he is in the process of being fired too so I won't even have to see him in work). I am trying to fin a new job anyway, I have stopped going out and I am doing everything the Boyfriend asks.

The problem is he says although I keep telling him that I love him that I don't act that way. I go to his house, get in bed and hardly talk. I didn't know what he wanted from me but it turns out he does want affection. I just don't know how to give it without looking like it is forced or seeming to act normal an as if everything is all behind us when it so clearly isn't.

How do I show him how serious I am about this? Please help me!

Love: My Uni

I'm going back to uni this weekend and I am seriously excited. After living at home last year while all my friends lived together in houses I can't wait to get right back into the heart of things. My uni is a campus uni and everything is all squished together in the countryside surrounded by fields and woods. I always thought I wanted to go to a uni in the middle of a big city and my first choice was The University of Liverpool but I decided that I might not get the grades I needed to get my place and so put my current uni down as my first choice instead. It turns out I did get the right results but I definitely chose the right uni for me. I love the fact that when I go to my Student Union with my group of friends between us we will know almost everybody there. That I could go up to anybody at anytime on campus and get a friendly response. I love that we have traditions such as the 'Rave in the Woods' and the party at House 69 that have been held for years and will continue to be held long after I leave. I love that from my room at uni this year I will be able to see my lecture halls, the Student Union and the football fields. I love that we have 13bars on campus that are all non-profit organisations and so give us the cheapest drinks and the best entertainment. And most of all, I love that I have met the best of friends there and that we are all going to be living together this year like one big happy family.

The Big O

I had been having sexual relationships for a long time before I had my first orgasm. I touched my first penis at 13 and the favour was soon returned. It was in a tent in a garden at a party full of my friends and his who all knew exactly what was going on inside our tent. Although I have only slept with 5 and a half people (I know its cheating but I just can't bring myself to count The Footballer in my 'magic number').

I can remember rubbing a large variety of different objects against myself when I was very young (pencils, hairbands and teddies anyone?!) because it felt good. But I was far too young to understand why. When I did understand a bit more I spent some time feeling disgusted with myself and like I was doing something very wrong, although I didn't stop. But after all these MANY years of masturbating I still hadn't experienced my first orgasm until about a year ago.

I never realised how much I was missing.

Since I have learnt how to make myself orgasm I have managed to steer the Boyfriend in that direction too. I pains me to admit that I used to fake it ALL the time with him, but when we first got together I was only 17 and naive and he was 21 and way more experienced than me (although definitely not as experienced as he had me believe). Although I never have orgasms from penetration alone that doesn't matter to me in the slightest.

Incidentally, the Boss has never given me an orgasm. In fact the sex is not as good as it is with the Boyfriend. But it makes no difference.

Failed

So when I said last week that after finding out what the Boyfriend did I was never going to cheat again I really did mean it. But I didn't expect to have an opportunity for a fantastic night with the Boss.

My parents away away at the moment which mean free house and on Saturday I had The Boss and 2 other guys over for some drinks for something to do. The Boss was actually the first person I spoke to about the Boyfriends cheating and when I told him I was never cheating again he told me there was no way I would manage it. As soon as I invited him over on Saturday he said
"This is my chance to prove you haven't stopped cheating" and that with a bit of Southern Comfort down me he knew I would fail. He even bought the bottle for us to share. The whole night was full of funny and interesting banter and I was really enjoying myself. Eventually it ended up just the two of us, very drunk on Southern Comfort having a fumble in my bed.

But that wasn't the best part, when we woke up the next day with massive headaches and morning breath we stayed in bed for hours. At first we were just having a laugh and moaning about our hangovers, he kept laughing at me saying I failed.

"Failed, failed, failed failed" then he kissed me, "failed". Then he kissed me some more. We spent the next two hours just kissing and cuddling and holding hands. He kept kissing me on the cheek, the forehead, and affectionately biting my nose then kissing it. It was brilliant. And so totally confusing.

But then last night we all went out and he pretty much ignored me all night. Apart from telling me not to make him jealous when I was chatting with Stigg and having a go at me when I was getting my other Boss to buy me drinks.

As is always the way after the initial couple of days of feeling great and constantly reliving the moment now I feel like crap. Not guilty though.

Flowers

There is something about flowers that always makes me feel good. One of the guys at work bought me some today to make me feel better after I had spent all Tuesday crying on his shoulder about The Boyfriend's cheating. It made my day so much better, because he thought of me and made an effort to cheer me up. So sweet.

Things are getting a little better with The Boyfriend, I only think about it about 50% of the time now. Although it obviously still hurts like crazy. We had sex this morning, I needed to do it before I obsessed about it so much that I just couldn't sleep with him anymore. Also, I had to make me the last person he fucked, not her.

My heads going crazy but when I'm with him it al hurts less. So off to him I go.

Cheat

He cheated on me.

The Boyfriend went to Leeds festival this weekend with his best friend Holly and slept with her. I found out the day he got back because I accidentally read a message on his computer.

It killed me. I never realised how devastated I would be.

We are slowly sorting it out but I can't stop thinking about it. It is literally all that is running through my mind all day and night. Weirdly I actually feel best when I am around him.

I don't know whats going to happen next, she is his best friend but how can I be happy with him seeing her any more?

The one thing I do know is that I am never ever EVER going to cheat again, I never knew before how it feels but this pain makes me sure that I won't do it any more. You might be wondering if I used this chance to tell him about the Boss, but I just couldn't do it that would definitely mean the end of us. Instead I am just going to work on our relationship with him and keep well away from any temptations.

More drunk texts

I text the Boss again the other night. I was very drunk, he was sober. I told him that I really like him and that I hate it when he tells me that he is jealous of me and Stigg. He said that its because he is jealous but why did I hate it. So I said "Because I want you not him" to which he replied

"You shouldn't just settle with Stigg you know"

In my very drunken state I replied with something ridiculous but reading over the texts the next day I realised that he could have meant something much more, does he want me?
He was completely sober, so it wasn't a drunk thing for him. He spent all of the next day at work teasing me but it was the playful banter that I love between us.

He is having lots of problems with Claire at the moment, separate bedrooms. So maybe he just wanted some attention. And even if he did like me its not like I could or would do anything about it. Nothing has happened between us in ages, I just miss that buzz. Getting with him isn't like getting with anyone else. Its far more exciting.

I don't know what to think.